January Recap // my life is One Big Mess, it’s #20GayTeen and I’m back from my hiatus I think?? (also RESTORE ME!!!)

Hey what’s up, it’s been a while! [whenever I say this I’ve got Zayn’s song in my head but I don’t think anyone here gets the reference]

Well, as the title of this post suggests, I am back from the dead (again).

I was literally so motivated to start posting again when I wrote my December Recap, but then life happened and hit me in the face like a brick, and I wasn’t READY to have all these responsibilities thrown at me out of NOWhERe.

me trying to dodge school work, exams, blogging, writing, nervous breakdowns, panic, stress, anxiety and anything else that was trying to get my attention in January

My recap ended up being the only post I wrote in January dkhgdk I’M SORRY.

I’m not one to constantly abandon my blog, go on random unannounced hiatuses and post inconsistently, but it has been happening a lot lately AND I HATE IT.

I desperately hope think that I finally regained my blogging mojo though and I’m excited to see what February brings I MEAN IT’S THE MONTH OF LOVE AFTER ALL *yuck*

For now, please enjoy reading about my 5 nervous breakdowns :)))))

Reading

My goal for January was to read 5 books which I MANAGED TO DO but I would have liked to read more??? I knOw any amount of books is a ~good amount~ but I’m a little disappointed in myself.

I was pretty stressed out from studying for my exams because I left everything for LAST MINUTE (hey what’s new!) and I haven’t read a single thing the last 2 weeks of the month.

Buuuuuut the books I read were mostly awesome (I mean I reread my favourite series of all time?? HELLO????)

  

  • Unravel Me by Tahereh Mafi: my third time reading it and I still love it all the same ★★★★★
  • Unite Me by Tahereh Mafi: I still hate Adam with a passion, but after rereading his novella (and the Restore Me sampler) I feel like I don’t hate him AS much as before?? I can’t believe I’m saying this right now ew he’s TRASH ★★★★☆
  • Ignite Me by Tahereh Mafi: well this is the best book of all fucking time and it means the world to me ★★★★★

 

  • Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro: I had to read this for class and this was actually the best book I’ve read in that class so far! I wasn’t a fan of the writing, most of the plot or the narration, but it was alrightyyyy (I wouldn’t recommend it tho lmao) ★★★☆☆
  • The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson and the Olympians) by Rick Riordan: One of my goals for this year is to read more books by popular authors whose books I haven’t read yet AND to read the entire Percy Jackson series so that’s what I’m doing! I originally gave it 4 stars, but I’m lowering it to 3 for REASONS ★★★☆☆

Life Update

Well. I guess the only important thing that happened in my life this month happened right on the first of January………

I came out.

This is a huge step for me and I was literally shaking from nerves and anxiety when I typed and sent the tweet, but now it feels like this HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

For the longest time, I hadn’t planned to put a label on myself because I felt like none of them fit me, and I also wasn’t going to tell anyone because this is nobody’s business but my own????

However, this past year I felt like I genuinely NEEDED this. I needed to come out and I NEEDED a label to feel comfortable with who I am.

Sexuality is obviously fluid and it can change, but for now I am very happy with my decision and I’d just like to say

I’m bi and I’m proud :’)

If you wanna see my face, click on the tweet (I don’t wanna show it on my blog sjhfgd)

I still think about my sexuality every single day, and I feel like it could change in the future, but I am SO HAPPY right now because everything feels right and I’m one step closer to fully accepting myself for who I am.

ALSO I FELT LIKE I WAS OBLIGATED TO COME OUT ON THE FIRST DAY OF THE ICONIC YEAR THAT IS #20GAYTEEN

I hope you’ll accept me for who I am as well, and if you have a problem with this, the unfollow button is right there, thank you very much.

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I was in actual STUDY HELL this month which is why I haven’t been reading much, but I’m finally finished with exams and now I’M FINALLY FREEEEEEE.

I basically have an extended spring break now because I won’t have uni until April!!!!

My plan for this break is to really take care of my mental health.

Things have been pretty bad in January—I had multiple anxiety and panic attacks, I stressed myself out more than ever and I’ve been having a lot of very dark and depressive thoughts and episodes.

HERE’S TO GETTING BACK ON TRACK MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLYFlower Bouquet 1

some random things:

  • I cut my hair!!!! I realised I prefer to have shorter hair because it looks better and healthier soooo I’ll be cutting it every few months from now on to keep it just about shoulder-length :’)
  • I received my preorder goodies for Reign of the Fallen and You’ll Miss Me When I’m Gone AND THEY’RE SO PRETTYYYY
  • (sorry I’m too lazy to take a picture)
  • I ordered Boyfriend Jeans from H&M and I thought they wouldn’t suit me but they make me look cUtE
  • I started learning This Is Me on piano (from The Greatest Showman soundtrack)

Fangirling

HOOOOO BOYYYY THERE’S WAY TOO MUCH TO FANGIRL ABOUT I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START

  • my dear juls aka the greatest friend ever sent me two of the RESTORE ME SAMPLERS that were available at Barnes & Noble and I’m SOOOO GRATEFUL
  • #1) because I live in Germany and I don’t have access to B&N
  • #2) BECAUSE RESTORE ME IS MY MOST ANTICIPATED RELEASE OF THE YEAR OF ALL TIME AND THE SNEAK PEEK KILLED ME AND I NEEDED THE PHYSICAL COPIES AND ISGORDINGHHG
  • LOOK AT THEM

  • I CAN’T STOP STARING AND READING AND REREADING THEM
  • AND I CAN’T WAIT FOR RESTORE ME OHMYGOGJOD
  • LESS THAN A MONTH TO GO
  • I’M NOT READY
  • A MONTH
  • WHAT
  • THE
  • F
  • I’M HAVING TROUBLE BREATHING
  • also can we please talk about this quote because i am unable to fathom what is HaPPENIgN hERE
  • WARNER CAN’T BREATHE??????
  • SOMEONE HELP MY SON
  • SAVE HIM

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  • i started a bullet journal and i’ve been pretty good at keeping up with it?? it’s so much fun?? and aesthetic?? and pretty??
  • I LUUUUV

 

  • it also makes me feel a lot more organised because i actually make an effort to structure my life
  • but in reality i’m not organised AT ALL
  • i just like to pretend
  • hA
  • ARE ANY OF Y’ALL DOING BULLET JOURNALS AS WELL WE COULD BE EACH OTHERS MOTIVATORS WHEN TIMES ARE ROUGH

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  • this next one is for my Germans out there
  • January is the month of #IBES (aka I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here for all my UK peeps)
  • it’s literally the only trash tv I watch because I aCTuALLy enjoy it

ibes

  • I WISH Y’ALL COULD UNDERSTAND
  • THIS SHOW IS HONESTLY SO FUNNY
  • and the two people in the pic aka Sonja and Daniel are so fucking funny their banter is hilarious I CAN’T DEAL
  • sorry y’all can’t relate
  • ok
  • moving on!

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  • GUESS WHO FINALLY SAW THE GREATEST SHOWMAN
  • I LITERALLY STARTED CRYING THE SECOND THEY STARTED PLAYING THE FIRST NOTES OF THE GREATEST SHOW
  • you know it’s not like i’ve been listening to the soundtrack every day of my life since it came out
  • and it’s not like i’ve been waiting for this movie to come out since the trailer was first released
  • literally
  • my girl Zendaya was BEAUTIFUL and i fell in love with Hugh Jackman he’s so NICE
  • 10/10 would recommend

and while we’re at it, let me give you some music recs of songs I’ve been loving this month

  • My My My – Troye Sivan: MY GAY ASS IS SHAKING
  • Hayley Kiyoko – Curious: MY GAY ASS IS SHAKING 2.0
  • Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack: oh my god these songs mean so much to me?? they speak to me on a deep emotional level I’M CRYING
  • (if you’re socially awkward/have anxiety and insecurities you should check it out)
  • and at last…
  • The Greatest Showman soundtrack: I literally listen to it every single day because it’s so UPLIFTING and inspiring and I LOVE IT

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  • SOS!!!!!!!
  • SEND HELP
  • THERE’S A NEW LOVE SIMON TRAILER AND I’M STILL SCREAMING

  • also did you know that Harry (Styles my fav) wrote a song for the Love, Simon soundtrack??? I’M SHOOK

Looking Back

  • read 5 books 
  • reach 700 followers?? possibly??? 
  • go on hiatus (i’ll update you about that this time!) ✔✖
  • start a bullet journal 
  • watch more documentaries/TED talks etc. 
  • STUDY!! LIKE!! HELL!! ✔✖

Goals Plans

READING

  • read 6 books: I don’t want to pressure myself and I think I can read more than that but reading is supposed to be FUN, not competitive
  • write 3 reviews: I’ve noticed that whenever I finish a book on Goodreads, I write one sentence about my feelings and then say RTC…… BUT THE REVIEW NEVER COMES. I don’t want to write reviews for EVERY book I read because that is exhausting and makes reading less enjoyable for me, but I definitely want to try to write more (even if it’s just on Goodreads)

WRITING

  • outline my #princestory (FORREAL NOW): I’ve been planning and writing this story since NaNo 2017 and things haven’t been going well, but I finally figured out some major plot points that made me excited to pick the story back up!!!!!

LIFE

  • get a job: wow I say this in every recap but my anxiety always gets the best of me
  • finish all my study notes (for my exam in March)
  • practise my Norwegian skills: I learn Norwegian at uni and I’ve been really bad at keeping up with the grammar and I wanna catch up!!!
  • PROCRASTINATE LESS AND DON’T LET THINGS PILE UP!!!!!!

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Nothing happened in the blogging or writing department because I abandoned my WIP (but I’m going back to it now) and I haven’t really been keeping up with any of y’alls blog posts so I SKIPPED OVER THESE SECTIONS #REBEL

I’m sorry for making these recaps so long BUT I HAVE A LOT TO SAY (especially in the fangirl section) and I always like to reflect on ALL the positive stuff that happened to me in a month.

Even if they’re just minimal or seem pointless to you.

But they help me to get out of my head and make me realise that there ARE good things in my life and I shouldn’t be so negative all the time and dhjdggf I don’t want to make this depressing but yeah.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep up the two-posts-a-week schedule, but I’ll see you next week!


How was your transition into the new year? Did you read many books (and were any of them potentional favourites-of-the-year already)?? HOW EXCITED ARE YOU FOR RESTORE ME TO COME OUT?????? Did you start/continue a bullet journal and how is it going? What are your future plans for the blog/your writing/bookish goals/etc? Let’s chat in the comments!

Buttonnnn

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62 thoughts on “January Recap // my life is One Big Mess, it’s #20GayTeen and I’m back from my hiatus I think?? (also RESTORE ME!!!)

  1. I didn’t know you had such a crappy mental health month aaahhhh I’m sorry ily talk to me any time you need or want 💕💕

    DKSKDJSJ I’M STILL SO PROUD OF YOU FOR COMING OUT 💞💞🌈🌈 and honestly yes?? like I’m fine going label-less for now but I feel like I NEED to find a label that fits me to feel more comfortable. and um those jeans make you cute??? sweetie you’re already cute, the jeans can only make you cutER

    YOUR BUJO IS SO PRETTY also yes My My My! and Curious can play on repeat forever and I won’t mind a single bit. (also I’ve been meaning to listen to DEH!!) YOU BETTER TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR WIP SOON OR I’LL RIOT

    I love yooooou and you better have a good February or I’ll personally come to Germany with all the Warner fanart (ew) I can find

    Liked by 1 person

    1. omg yeah i tends to bottle it all up instead of talking to people dhsjdj it’s very unhealthy but 🤷‍♀️ BUT ILY

      THANK YOUUUUU MAY your support means the world to me 🌈💖 story of my life! with everyone changing their labels recently i’ve been feeling a bit confused but i’m happy with my label for now :’) May????? being nice to me????? complimenting me????? that’s a first i need to write this down (but thank you omg)

      THANK YOU and omg My My My is my anthem of the year and I can’t wait for Hayley to bless us with her album this year AND YOU BETTER LISTEN TO DEAR EVAN HANSEN IT MAKES ME SO EMO AND I RLLY WANNA SEE THE ACTUAL BROADWAY MUSICAL 😭

      thank you may (and actually there isn’t any warner fanart out there because people are stupid)

      Like

  2. Your bullet journal looks so nice!! I love having one, it makes life so much more fun (and organised). I LOVE I’m a celebrity get me out of here, but the australian version haha, it’s airing right now. Also I just noticed from the photo that the german version shoots in Australia?? The Australian celebrities have to go to south africa lol. Looks like you had a great month, great job on everything you’ve achieved ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! ❤ and yes, I love writing in my bullet journal at the end of the day and updating it on what has happened during the day and making future plans!

      omg I didn't know Australia had it too, that's so cool! I know that Germany and the UK shoot it in the same location in Australia, but it makes sense that the Australian contestants wouldn't shoot there haha XD

      thank you so much Charlotte ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Honestly I love your recaps, Jackie ❤ I want to see The Greatest Showman so badly but I haven't had the time so here's hoping I can do it this month.THE SOUNDTRACK is one of my all time favs and I love the whole thing so much.Also LOVEE Troye Sivan's song and I didn't know Harry Styles wrote a song for Simon, where have I been living omg?

    I am so happy and proud of you for coming out ❤ and your BuJo looks so pretty, I can never pull off maintaining a bujo.I tried and quit two times already so it's definitely not for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ahh Jackie!! I always love when you pop up in my feed, it’s always so much fun to read your posts 😀 Your bujo looks incredible! I love how you wrote the titles, they look perfect 😀
    Also, I’m so happy for you that you came out ❤ That's a huge step 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. AAHHHH Jackie I love when you’re doing a new post, I love reading these so much ❤
    I am so happy and proud of you for coming out, also you're so pretty and I am sooooo happy and you're the best okay sending you all the love xx
    I also read Never Let Me Go, it was a weird book at times but I loved it anyway? I loved the ending and it had such weird vibes and everything haha.
    I LOVE that the only book you've written so far in your bullet journal is Radio Silence, GO READ IT NOW 😛
    Great post!! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. omg Marie you’re so sweet to me ❤ ❤

      ahhhhhh thank you SO much that honestly means the world to me AND MORE! you're such a great friend 🙂

      I agree! Never Let Me Go was super weird and confusing but I ended up feeling pretty good about it in the end! Totally didn't expect that at all!

      I PLAN TO READ RADIO SILENCE VERY VERY SOON OMG I'M SO EXCITEEEEED

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Sorry to hear you’ve been struggling mentally, hope things will get better soon ❤️

    Anyway CONGRATS ON COMING OUT ❤️❤️❤️ Also ICONIC that you came out on the first day of 20gayteen you are truly an icon

    Your bullet journal is SO pretty I wish I had the patience for bullet journaling haha. ALSO LOVE SIMON AHHHH

    I hope February will be better for you and good luck studying!! ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so proud of you for coming out!! AND I promise I’ll finish the series Shatter Me when they are released in the UK!! I’m soo happy you got the Restore Me Samplers AND YOUR BULLET JOURNAL IS SO PRETTY AHHH. I was supposed to start mine but noooo 😦 I just dont feel motivated too *shrug*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Ilsa ❤ omg yes yes YES i hope you love it ahhfdjfgdf AND YEAH I LOVE MY RESTORE ME SAMPLERS AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO COME OUT AND POMGHJF I'M NOT READY

      and thank you?? aww that sucks, there were days when I abandonded my BuJo as well but I always got back to it because it makes me feel more organised XD but I get that it's not for everyone!

      Like

  8. Aww it sucks you had a bad month, but hope it gets betterrrr!!!!! And congrats on coming out!!!! I’m so proud of you!!! AND HEY I GET THE ZAYN REFERENCE I LOVE ZAYN WE HAVE ONE MORE THING IN COMMON YAY. Also, YOUR.BULLET.JOURNAL=WOW.

    Hope feb will be a better monthhhh!!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. SO PROUD OF YOU FOR COMING OUT THAT’S SO AMAZING 🌈<3 and I'm sorry that your mental health wasn't great this month, and i hope that you can maybe feel a little better this month and try not to panic too much about school (even though that's really hard) so that maybe you can try and de-stress a little bit??

    THE.
    GREATEST.
    SHOWMAN.
    Oh my it's so beautiful and djgnkdkj HUGH JACKMAN. ZENDAYA. ZAC. It's so amazing and i've been so OBSESSED with the soundtrack too and i just sghjkg. LOVE SIMON. I NEED IT. NOW.

    I hope that you have a good February where you can really take care of yourself ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  10. So glad you got to see Greatest Showman; they need to make more movies like that 🙂 Slay that piano piece lol. That’s also nice of your friend to get you those samplers too 🙂 I’m also glad you feel so much better about coming out; holding stuff in never helps. Have a really good February!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Let’s start with.. Awesome recap and I enjoyed reading it!

    BUT. The main thing here is.. seriously; YESYESYES TO YOU COMING OUT.
    That step is ridiculously huge and it’s soooo important. Honestly, I didn’t even realize myself how much I needed it back when I did. As with you, it lifted a weight off my shoulders and I instantly felt more like.. well, me.
    I really believe coming out is yet another way of accepting, loving and respecting yourself to be honest. It’s such an important step to take and, since it’s not an easy one, everyone who does really should get the pat on the back they deserve. Especially since those are the people who might inspire someone else to maybe take the jump themselves or just make them start thinking about it. There’s only so much we can do to support people who’re still in that damn-awful closet, after all. 🙂

    So: YAY. PROUD OF YOU!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Congratulations on coming out, happy #20gayteen and welcome to the community 🙂
    I absolutely loved The Greatest Showman movie and can’t stop listening to the soundtrack and I’m also obsessed with Hayley Kiyoko new song Curious its so good.
    The Love, Simon trailer looks so good and I’m hoping to read the book before it comes out.
    My sorry your mental health hasn’t been to great this month I hope you start to feel better soon 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Ahhhh happy coming out! 🙂
    Also, I’m so stoked that you’re loving bullet journaling, it’s my lifeline most days lol I LOVE following the hashtags on insta, because it gives me so much Inso for page spreads, but I also find weird comfort in watching people set up their spreads on YouTube (maybe it’s the illusion of getting my shit together lol)

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Great Wrap Up! Congratulations on Coming out, Jackie! I’m so happy for you! I’m so excited for Restore Me! I’m hoping to re-read the series on next month. Can’t wait for reunion with Juliette, Warner and Kenji!
    Hope you have an amazing month and Happy reading! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Oh no exams are the wooorst 😦 I hope they went well! I’m also sorry that January has been a bad mental health month for you 😦 *offers hug* I really feel you, because January was the worst, so let’s hope that things get better in February! I also have no university until April *high five* 😀 And I’m happy that you’re back 💕
    Congrats on coming out, I’m so happy that it went well for you! 💕
    I wasn’t sure if I wanted to pick up Restore Me but aaaah Jackie you are making me want to 😱😱 I just love Warner so much 😱 But I really don’t want to see Adam again 😱 I’m definitely looking forward to reading your Review once the book is out! 🙂
    And you’re bullet journal looks so pretty, I’m shook 😱
    Omg IBES xD I didn’t watch it this time, but it’s a classic!! 😀
    You don’t have to apologize for the recaps being long, I LOVE reading all you have to say, just give me all the fangirling 💕 It’s definitely important to reflect on all the good stuff that has happened, I have started a journal to track that for myself 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. oh my god Caro, you are the SWEETEST!!! thank you for these kind words *hugs back* ❤ aw no, sorry to hear that January was crappy for you too but YAAAYYYY now we should celebrate because we're finally free until April!!! 😀

      Thank you so much *cries in gay*

      omgomgomgomgmfogh YOU BETTER PICK UP RESTORE ME OH MY GOD IT'S GOING TO BE SO FREAKING GOOD I CAN ALREADY FEEL IT. there was a 30-page sneak peek of Restore Me and I honestly wasn't READY (but it was fantastic and it got me even more excited). There was a little bit of Adam but he seems very different from who he was before so I'm interested to see how that's gonna play out!

      Whew, sorry for talking so much about Restore Me haha I'm just so EXCITED. aww thank you ❤ and I LOVE IBES, I already miss it tbh XD

      Yayyy that is so reassuring to hear because I often want to leave things out so my posts don't become so long! Thank you so much for this wonderful comment ahh it made me so happy ❤

      Like

      1. no YOU are!! ♥ ♥ It’s definitely time to celebrate that we have more time to read and relax now, it’s just what I need after these month of stress and exams 🙂

        💕💕

        THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT NOW 😜💕 I thought I was not going to continue with the Series, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about these characters and the fact that there is more Warner and Juliette ♥ Oh wait, I need to read that sneak peek asap 😀 Oooh well I do hope that he is not as annoying as he was before 😮

        Talk about it all you want, I’m always here for listen 😍 It’s always over soo fast xD

        I feel you, I’m always writing Reviews that turn out longer than I wanted 😀 That makes me so happy to hear ♥

        Liked by 1 person

  16. Jackie! I missed you so much!
    Yay! Your exams are finally over! Now you are freeee!
    OMG I have short hair too! Seriously, it’s VERY easy to maintain.
    Shatter Me has been on my TBR for a long time, I’m just not sure if I’ll like. But I think I’m gonna give it a try. 😀
    I LOVE The Greatest Showman soundtrack! Unfortunately the film was shown only at late evenings here, so I couldn’t go… But the songs are so freaking amazing!
    I’m so proud of you for coming out sweetheart! I know it takes a lot of courage and how scary it can be. I’m so proud of you! 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww, that’s so cute! Thank you >>>>>

      Oh Hell Yeah, you should totally give Shatter Me a try! If you like poetical and unique writing you will totally love it!

      Aww sorry you weren’t able to see The Greatest Showman, it has easily become one of my favourite movies! But yes, the soundtrack is absolutely incredible!!! Do you have a favourite song? 🙂

      THANK YOU AHHH your support means a lot ❤

      Like

  17. omg congrats on coming out!! ❤ THAT'S AMAZING i'm so happy for you!!

    OH MY GOD MY MY MY! AND CURIOUS. Sleepover is also amazing and the obvious anthem for my 20gayteen. actually i'm generally excited for Hayley's entire album :)) AND THAT LOVE, SIMON TRAILER THO,, i actually can't.

    your bujo is sooo prettyyy! ha..ha i was supposed to create all my new years spreads and stuff,, but i'm so behind ! i really don't have enough time to dedicate to my bujo unfortunately…hope you have a wonderful february!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you soooo much, that means a lot! ❤️

      oh my god YES. Hayley Kiyoko is such an icon and I honestly don‘t know how I‘m going to survive her album 😂 every single song of hers is just so GOOD. she‘s a queeeeen

      thank you! i abandon my bujo more often than not haha but i always go back to it at the end of the day because writing in it and creating the spreads helps me relax! thank you i hope your February will be just as awesome ❤️

      Like

  18. Ahh I really like Shatter Me too (and wow those samplers too). Glad you mostly liked Never let me go 😉

    Congrats on coming out! 😀

    Ahh the Love Simon trailer *sighs*!

    And you learn Norwegian? That’s so cool!!

    Sounds like you’ve had a busy new year- hope the rest of it is awesome!

    Liked by 1 person

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